No God and no religion can survive ridicule. No political church, no nobility, no royalty or other fraud, can face ridicule in a fair field, and live.

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

Patriotism is usually the refuge of the scoundrel. He is the man who talks the loudest.

If you tell the truth you do not need a good memory!

Low comedies are written for the drawing-room, the kitchen and the stable, and if you cut out the kitchen and the stable the drawing-room can’t support the play by itself.

Mark Twain sure had a sharp tongue. No wonder that Mark Twain quotes are known to be some of the most sarcastic. This makes him a quotes lover’s delight. Some sarcastic comments are so subtle that you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a compliment and sarcasm.

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Some quotes inside this book:

It is curious and interesting to notice what an attraction a fussy, mincing, nickel-plated word has for you.

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any. Exercise is loathsome. And it cannot be any benefit when you are tired; and I was always tired.

It is better to give than receive- especially advice.

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

The human being places sexual intercourse above all other joys, but leaves it out of his heaven.

Adam was the author of sin, and I wish he had taken out an international copyright on it.

There are too many stars in some places and not enough in others.

What is the most rigorous law of our being? Growth. No smallest atom of our moral, mental, or physical structure can stand still a year. It grows – it must grow; nothing can prevent it.

It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

All say, ‘how hard it is that we have to die’ — a strange complaint to come from the mouths of those who have had to live.

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

It may have happened, it may not have happened but it could have happened.

It is a mystery that is hidden from me by reason that the emergency requiring the fathoming of it hath not in my life-days occurred, and so, not having no need to know this thing, I abide barren of the knowledge.

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.

If God had meant for us to be naked, we’d have been born that way.

A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.

I would much prefer to suffer from the clean incision of an honest lancet than from a sweetened poison.

A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

We must look for our own blame to find our own personality.

Change is the handmaiden Nature requires to do her miracles with.

These people´s God has shown them by a million acts that he respects none of the Bible´s statues. He breaks every one of them himself, adultery and all.

I don’t know of a single foreign product that enters this country untaxed, except the answer to prayer.

No one has ever seen a Republican mass meeting that was devoid of the perception of the ludicrous.

If you don’t like the weather in New England now, just wait a few minutes.

The less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands.

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